Welcome to the third and final part of this series of articles on HRT that documents one girl’s personal experiences after her first 12 months of treatment. This article deals with the mental changes that Sixteen experienced from being on HRT. Most of her physical changes were in line with what she was expecting. However, some of her mental changes were unexpected and she had to come to terms with having the smallest thing causing a flood of tears. She has, however, been able to work through emotional challenges that have been dormant/stagnant for over a decade.
Bear in mind that these mental changes happened during the time that her medical team was finding the type and dosage of HRT that worked best for her. Some of her mental ups and downs were tied to HRT dosage changes. If you haven’t read them yet, go and look at the other parts of the series to get a complete picture. Part 1 of the series covered the medical rollercoaster that always happens during the first year of HRT. Part 2 dealt with the physical changes that happened during Sixteen’s first year on HRT.
Now that you have read all three parts of Sixteen’s experiences on HRT, how does this compare to how you experienced HRT if you are also a girl in transition?
Do let me know if you are a girl that is in transition and if you are able to share an experience that will help other girls that are just starting out.
Hugs
This post was written by the talented Sixteen and was originally posted as a profile/journal update. It is reproduced here with her kind permission. Be sure to check out more about Sixteen at the end of this post and give her some Pink Femme love if you have access to her profile.
We’ve covered medication. We’ve covered physical changes. Now, rounding out the last part of this set, it’s time to cover the mental changes that I’ve noticed over the last year on HRT. Unlike the previous two categories, this is something where it’s much harder to understand the causal connection between transitioning and my current state. One’s mental state is profoundly personal, so please understand that this is all incredibly fuzzy and my journey will not necessarily reflect anyone else’s. Nevertheless, there is merit in understanding just how transformative starting HRT can be.
Mental Health
I have battled with depression on and off throughout my adult life. Usually, the biggest trigger for depressive episodes has been the conflict between what I think I should be achieving at Uni versus how much progress I feel I’m actually making. The last few years of my studies have been exceptionally challenging for me, which has had a substantial effect on my general mental well-being. It was during one of my darkest periods that I decided that something needed to change.
I timed my first GP visit to coincide with a month-long mental health break from Uni, so I deliberately gave myself the room to go through the necessary channels outside of the existing stresses in my life. By the end of the break, I was on HRT and the hormones were slowly starting to do their work.
At first, things went brilliantly. Taking time away from University did wonders for my mental health and made me feel a lot better about life in general. As time passed, however, my issues with not having enough testosterone led to substantial periods of fatigue and depressive moods that resulted in very spotty health. What I find interesting is that I rarely noticed that I was feeling this way until after I received the next round of bloodwork and had the benefit of hindsight.
While I’m still not at a point where I’ve found the right dosages of my medication, so still deal with fluctuations as my body is repeatedly trying to find a new equilibrium, I still think that I’m much happier than I was before. I no longer feel as much of the crushing pressure that made doing anything and changing myself a near-insurmountable task.
Mood Swings And Doom Spirals
This whole finding of a new hormonal equilibrium is very much like experiencing a second puberty. As such, one of the things I’ve had to learn to deal with is much wilder mood swings. Where before I was very good at sealing away feelings, I now can cry over the smallest thing and find it really easy to get myself into a doom spiral. At the same time, I feel like I share my joy much more freely and my highs feel so much more vibrant.
On the whole, I consider this to be a massive win. The thing with getting really upset and crying about something is that the spike of emotions doesn’t tend to last all that long. When I’m coming up, my rational mind takes over and I realize that I need to address these feelings so that this doesn’t happen again. I have had vastly more authentic heart-to-heart conversations in the past year than I’d had in the previous ten. I’ve addressed issues with friends that have dated back a decade that I just never really did before, and in doing so found a way to express myself so much better than before.
My inability to bottle things up forever has meant that I now actually have to deal with my feelings and I couldn’t be happier for it. It’s still not perfect of course, some topics are genuinely hard to talk about, and getting emotional easily is challenging there, but on the whole, I am so happy for this to have happened. Being able to cry freely is an amazing feeling.
Libido
To put it simply, my libido has dropped off the face of the planet. It’s still there to an extent, but it requires so much effort that I usually can’t be fucked doing so. The best way to describe it is that my libido has gone from a simple switch that I could just turn on if I had a spare five minutes to something that requires mental preparation, content good enough to sustain my interest, and force of will to not just stop when I felt a bit bored. I went from someone who was probably masturbating every one or two days to someone who has to force themselves occasionally to get around potential atrophy because otherwise, I might not do so for months on end.
The thing is, I actually haven’t lost any of my interest in sex. People can still send me into a horny spiral of lust and want. I just don’t have any interest in doing it to myself. This may be partly because of how demisexual I am (or have become), but I now basically don’t see much point in sexuality that isn’t intertwined with connection, even if it’s just a friend thing than a strict partner. Do I still want to get railed by a hot woman? God yes. Do I want to explore chastity with a Dominant partner? Hell yeah. Do I still want to self-lock for the kick? Nope.
Sexuality Changes And Identity
We’ve talked about sexuality in terms of raw libido, but another interesting consequence has been the way I approach sexuality and feeling attracted to others. Before transitioning, I considered myself effectively straight. I was interested in feminine things and while I had a healthy appreciation for d*ck in theory, I had absolutely no interest in the masculine forms they were so often attached to. As I started to consider myself queer though, things began to change.
As my preconceived notions about gender started to erode and I interacted with more people who pushed the boundaries of gender presentation, my initial disinterest in certain features began to relax. It became less about whether a feature was ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ and more about the person it was on. One extreme case of this was my ex, a trans woman who had the most incredibly deep voice. When she spoke, it resonated throughout my body. I loved it to bits and I honestly could have spent hours just listening to her talk about anything. Before, it wouldn’t have done anything for me. Now, hearing something like that would turn me into an absolute puddle.
The biggest upturn in my interest has been gender non-conforming folks. Where before I generally felt that my attraction was directly related to feminine features, I really feel like this is no longer the case. I am very much one of those stereotypical trans women who think that all trans women I meet are some of the hottest people in existence (except for me because of the f*ck-you brain). This isn’t restricted to just my fellow trans women though; whether you’re non-binary, transgender, gender fluid, or whatever word feels most appropriate for you, fucking with gender makes me feel a significant attraction modifier.
Most interesting to me is that I’m starting to hit the point of feeling a lot more open about cis men. They’re still not something I’m drawn towards, but the fact that it’s something I’ve decided to keep an eye on is telling in and of itself. I am very curious to see if this is something that develops further in time.
Self-confidence
Over the last few months, I have started to feel substantially better about presenting more femme and asserting my new identity. It took a lot of work to get to this point and progress had been hampered because my living arrangements were such that I struggled to make new changes to an established system, but for the first time in my life, I can actually look in the mirror and really be happy with the person I’m seeing. I can look at myself and honestly feel like I look good.
As such, I’m starting to dress a lot more adventurously. I’m stretching out beyond just black shirts on black pants because I can. I wear outfits that make me feel good or things that make an interesting statement. I want to buy things that are vibrant and deliberately draw attention because why the hell not? Hell, I’ll even wear obnoxious masculine clothing now for a laugh that I’d have never dreamed of being seen in before. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am me, hear my roar.
Dysphoria
When I started HRT, I was lucky enough that I didn’t have any noticeable dysphoria. I didn’t mind being a man, I just felt like I might like being a woman more. Well, it turns out that once you start embracing the feminine, you start getting bothered by the parts you’d previously been okay with. Facial hair is probably the biggest offender here. I used to have quite the goatee which I really quite liked, but nowadays I find myself increasingly frustrated by it and how I never seem to get a close enough shave that I can no longer feel it. I really need to look into laser or electrolysis at some point.
I’ve had the same experience with body hair in general. Before it was okay, but now I want it gone because it annoys me. My voice has also started to bother me more with time, though drastically less so. While I feared it may be the case, I thankfully have no such feelings towards my genitalia. I have no problems with the c*ck and I actually quite like the added utility. For me, I see it very much as an indicator that I’m not just a woman, I’m a trans woman. With how core being trans has become to my modern identity, that distinction matters. Of course, I have the luxury of it not being a source of dysphoria; what one does with their genitals has nothing to do with whether one is a trans woman or not. But personally? I like mine.
Sixteen is a young lady going through her process of transition. As she said to me: “The more resources and lived experiences available to those just starting their own journeys, the better.” The “writings” part of her profile on this platform is where this article was first published and where you can read more from this highly creative girl living her authentic life. If you are also on that platform, go and give her writing some Pink Femme love.
If you are new to Pink Femme, be sure to check out the unique 40 Steps To Femme program that will help you to feel more girly one delicate step at a time.