PinkFemme

There is a common saying that trans girls don’t become trans, rather that they hatch from the shell of their former selves. In trans-community jargon, an “egg” refers to a transgender person who hasn’t yet realized that they are indeed trans. From there it follows that the term “crack” is when that first realization happens. However, no hatchling can come out of her shell before the egg that was her former self has cracked. For all of us, the pressure to change comes from within us. This gets balanced against the external pressure from family and society that tries to force us to remain as we were. We know that people resist change even when remaining as they were, causes emotional pain. The reason is that we fear the potential pain that change will bring. For most of us, it is only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain we fear from changing that we get the courage to change as we will be moving to a space of less pain. Even after your egg has been cracked, getting out of your shell takes a lot of work. What the isolation created by the pandemic has done is created the opportunity for many trans girls to finally come out of their shells. Not for a moment am I trying to say that the pandemic has been easy on trans people, far from it. Even when times are good trans people suffer higher rates of depression and anxiety, economic insecurity, and social isolation. What the pandemic has done is bring additional layers of stress and anxiety as a consequence of pandemic isolation, schools closing, medical procedures postponed, job loss, and housing insecurity. As a result, these are disproportionately felt by trans people. What I have seen is that this additional stress that's been piled on top of the inner anxiety from being secretly trans. This doubling of anxiety has brought about cracks that have allowed many to begin shedding their shells. At the risk of over-simplifying a complex emotional space, being in isolation has given girls the chance to live their inner selves free of outside influence and get some relief from the pressure they had been feeling. In other words, coming out of your shell during pandemic-isolation feels like a way of reducing your anxiety levels. Spending time alone creates the ability to make a soul connection within yourself. Being confined to our homes really gives you the chance to live each day from your soul, the home that’s inside of you. It opens up possibilities for us to align with what feels most authentic.” While you may still be afraid of presenting femme in public, pandemic isolation can shake something loose and bring about a change of heart. Isolated home confinement has brought the possibility of living femme 24/7 and with it the opportunity for many girls to finally come out of their shells when they realize that they cannot go back to how things were before. It comes from knowing that going back will now be the far more painful option. Zoom has now become the method of choice for the majority of trans people to use for coming out to supervisors at work. Another key factor is that of the levels of dysphoria you may experience on a day-to-day basis. Most genderqueer people experience a constant barrage of dysphoria when going out into the world needing to present as the gender that is not congruent with their inner being. I’ve heard a lot of genderqueer people say that they haven’t had to think as much about gender now that they have sheltered in a safe space thanks to the isolation rules. Being at home has brought a massive relief from dysphoria as they can just be authentic every day. Coming out as trans during the pandemic isolation means not having to go back to crippling dysphoria that was the “old normal” ever again. One reason why it is easier to start living as your authentic self when you work remotely is that you are away from the discomfort you may feel should any of your cis-gender work colleagues be judgemental. However, needing to isolate at home is not all moonlight and roses for everyone. Nearly half of all LGBTQ college students are either not out to their immediate families or are not supported by family because of their identity. Many trans people do not live in supportive environments. For these girls, home can be just one setting where they face abuse, discrimination, and the normative gaze of cis people. Most colleges have set up support systems for the growing number of trans and non-binary students. These students are now cut-off from what was essentially their lifeline. If your family and friends aren’t trans-affirming, therapy or coaching not affordable, try support groups, even online ones. And don’t stop dreaming or lose hope about what your future after the lockdown isolation could be.

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